Shoot, that’s not what I expected.

“Wait… what is happening???” I thought to myself, as I listened to my colleague’s voice rise on the phone.

I thought this was going to be a quick and easy call… but I realized I must have hit a nerve. He was definitely tense – and I wasn’t even sure why.

I needed his help, but it didn’t sound like he wanted to help me anytime soon.

What do I do?

—-

It’s happened to all of us.

You’re having a conversation at work… and you realize – this isn’t going well.

They could be:

• • a team member
  • a partner
  • your manager
  • a stakeholder

Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Instead of making progress, this conversation could end up making everything worse.

Here’s 8 ways to get that difficult conversation back on track:

1/ Pause The Conversation

Whether it’s a disagreement or resistance… a conversation that “isn’t going well” means there’s a lack of connection.

Pushing forward at this point will only widen the gap.

It might feel weird, but pause the conversation and make that observation out loud.

“I’m noticing we’re not on the same page.”

By not reacting to the last thing that was said, and instead bringing attention to the two of you, the people… it helps both of you step out of the spiral and remind each other – of each other.

2/ Take a Deep Breath

Difficult conversations can get heated.

The energy becomes high… but not in a good way. Frustration, anger, and tension can all fuel itself.

Productive discussions cannot happen in this environment.

Bring down the energy level by taking a slow deep breath.

When you initiate a change of momentum in a conversation, you are allowing the other person to do the same. You are demonstrating leadership.

We’re wired to tackle problems in the workplace. When you come across a disagreement… the problem to solve becomes the other person’s viewpoint.

This is automatic in the brain – a different perspective can be seen as a threat – and so the brain goes on the attack.

Of course, this is not helpful when trying to solve a problem together.

Try repositioning yourself – both as a mindset and also physically – to work from the same side of the table.

4/ Change From Convincing to Learning

People can see when your purpose is to make them see things your way.

It doesn’t feel good. They don’t feel valued. And to protect themselves, they’ll put up a wall.

No matter how well-spoken and logical you may be, you can’t work with the other person to solve the problem without exploring how they see it first.

Loosen your grip on your own viewpoint, at least temporarily, so you can make space to take in another. Let go of the urge to defend your point.

Refocus instead on gathering new information.

5/ State Your Intentions

That resistance and wall remain whenever there is uncertainty about the other person’s intentions.

• • Will they actually listen?
  • Or do they just want to do things their way?

When it’s clear that you care about what they have to say… you build the trust that allows people to open up.

Take it a step further, and invite them to help reinforce your intentions.

“I want to remain open-minded and nonjudgmental. Will you let me know if I slip up at this?”

6/ Activate Your Curiosity

It’s important to follow up your intentions with actions that show you mean it.

You genuinely do care about what they have to say.

The best way to show this is to ask questions.

Open ended questions.

• • What about this is important?
  • How does this affect you?
  • What’s at stake for you?
  • What else do I need to understand?
  • What would help us get on the same page?

7/ Accept What They Share

When you hear something you don’t agree with – our automatic reaction is to knock it down. That’s the brain’s way of staying safe.

However, as a leader, you know it’s more important to build your relationship. Also to learn if there’s something you didn’t know you didn’t know.

Accept what they say – even if you don’t agree. By doing so, you acknowledge this is their view based on their experience – which is very real.

Thank them for sharing.

Check your understanding.

This shows you were really listening.

8/ Focus Where You Agree

To move forward, you need to stand on a solid and shared foundation.

This is where you agree.

Now that you’ve heard their point of view – Clarify where you both agree. This creates a connection and mutual purpose. It solidifies the partnership vs. fueling the opposition.

Invite them to confirm that this is true.

This should feel different. More productive than when you started. Now you are in a place to collaborate – even with differing views.

———-

I thought back to that tense conversation… to make this list. Because these are the steps I took with my colleague.

In an instance where things could have easily blown up… we ended with an even stronger working relationship and a deeper understanding of each other.

With the right approach, a tough conversation can be just that…

An opportunity.