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“I thought you said you’d handle that.”
Except… you did. Unexpected conflicts arose, causing the delay.
I’ve experienced my share of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace.
Unfortunately, it seems to be a common experience for many diverse professionals.
None of the words are obviously ‘hateful’.
However, the phrase and especially the tone say otherwise.
Maybe the speaker feels better being in a more powerful position.
Maybe they feel overwhelmed or stressed and are compensating for that.
Maybe it’s intentional… or maybe they don’t even realize they’re coming across as passively aggressive.
It honestly doesn’t matter.
How you respond is what matters.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
Then… Try one of these 3 things:
1/ Say ‘Was that meant to be helpful, or hurtful?’
This question calls out the behavior, while also giving the person a chance to clarify, preventing them from continuing a negative tone.
2/ Use the phrase “I’m noticing frustration right now.”
You are helping to reveal the mismatch of the “ok” words being said and the negative tone and emotions you are observing.
By subtly bringing up the ‘elephant in the room’ – you allow the conflict to be talked about transparently (which is the only way to truly address issues).
3/ Say “It’s ok to be frustrated.”
You are saying, this is a safe space. Even if you are feeling ‘not ok’, we can still talk and work through this.
Being vulnerable and saying “I’m frustrated too” allows a connection, where there was separation before.
To further strengthen a safe culture, you can clarify that being ‘not ok’ is actually ok – however, certain behavior is not acceptable.
For example, “It’s ok to be frustrated. It’s not ok to blame teammates. To move forward, we need to work together.”
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
James Baldwin
African American writer and civil rights activist
